Pressing On

I took this phot on a red eye flight back to Philadelphia.

Feeling like a little girl in the window. To excited to sleep. Just looking out the window flying through the air in the night.

As the passengers are sleeping, I was thinking about how far I had one in life.

Starting out as a shy girl , who was afraid of tall kids.

Besides the point . I eventually overcame that fear quickly . I would not get off the bus until the tall kid sitting next to me got off.

In my life , at 8 years old I was robbed of my childhood by someone that I admired and adored.

That all changed . I became angry inside looking at other

Kids and silently jealous.

Looking in the mirror seeing a blank face staring back at me .

I felt ugly useless and no soul.

I decided that I would shove this matter deep into my heart.

I just turned 20 when I married my high school sweetheart. Which I thought would bring the happiness.

He was a bad boy , which turned in more mental than physical abuse. In the meantime , I became addicted to Tylenol 800 mg. I would pop those babies like candy. Just to rid of the empty feeling going on .

What is going on with me ?

Now I’m in a mental and physical abuse. I felt worthless.

I wanted to kill myself just to rid of the crying girl in me.

Eventually, at work far from my hometown. Failed marriage and a daughter . A boyfriend who was verbally abusive with a baby.

I decided that’s it! I am going to find a 18 wheeler on the highway and crash into the back of the rig hard.

With my stomach hurting for taking a half of bottle of aspirins the night before.

I left work in search of that truck. As I was driving with angry tears.

I heard a small voice say ” what about your children”

I replied ” they would think their mother wimped out”

As I realized I needed to live. I drove to the hospital and the nurse who knows me all to well now.

She looked at me and said ” there is more on your mind than a stomach ache”

I replied I want to kill myself.

She said something to me that really broke the wall around my heart.

She said when she got in her knees to pray this morning, she had a feeling she was going to help someone and that someone was me.

Someone cared. I broke I could not stop shaking . I had a severe nervous breakdown. My battle of carrying everything in my chest I could not do .

For a month I was in the hospital and I remember when the counselor was talking to me was, I needed to forgive the people that hurt me.

Write a letter detail by detail and to forgive by either mailing or ripping up the letter. It took me 3 hours to write and forgive that person . All the anger, rage and pain and finally my chest felt lighter.

I knew then I needed to press on.

To get stronger for my children and to overcome the obstacles that happen to come my way.

I cannot remember much from the breakdown. Which is a great thing. I do know that I’m 50 and I have accomplished and tackled so much with out holding it all in.

Don’t get me wrong those thoughts of being robbed try to sneak in on me. I won’t allow it.

I have become the woman I want to be and not the girl grieving what could of been.

When I see this picture, I remind myself that God is with me and I am pressing on

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