My days are always a fight, from the time I open my eyes until the time I go to bed. I suffer from anxiety and depression . Everyday is a road traveled .
I enjoy making others smile and laugh. I love my family.
Yet, when I look in the mirror I have to fight the negativity and not to give in.
When there is chronic pain, there are days when I want to throw in the towel and quit!
Yet, I won’t. Why you say , because I keep my eyes on the goal My Lord and Saviour
Years ago, I wanted to end my life I felt completely worthless.
I was a victim of abuse and looking in the mirror and seeing someone else looking at me that I did not recognize.
I was looking for other ways to make me happy, which was only temporary.
I vaguely remember what happened. I was driving down the road looking for a eighteen wheeler to ram my car into. My stomach was hurting from ingesting half a bottle of aspirin loving far from my family.
As I was looking for the eighteen wheeler a small still voice prompted me “what about your children?” I saw my babies flash before my eyes. I replied “they would think their mother wimped out”
I realized that I had placed the Lord on the back burner and going through life my choices were not great. I ended up at the hospital in Upstate NY. My stomach was killing me. The emergency room nurse looked at me and said “you have more on your mind than a stomachache”
I had a wall built up around me I looked at her and angrily replied ” I want to kill myself ” the nurse replied calmly and said ” when I got down on my knees this morning to pray, I had a feeling that I was going to help someone and that someone is you” Talk about the walls crumbling down around your heart.
I really do not remember much after that conversation except when the nurse put me in another room. My body started shake I wasn’t cold just shaking. I was told that I had severe depression and a severe nervous breakdown. To another hospital I went . A road of healing , Like I said I do not remember much except that I was heavily medicated and to move and walk around the hospital floor for two months was a struggle. With the help from other patients motivating me , I was grateful. Everyday I would sit with a counselor and talk I was quiet not sure on who to trust. I remember her saying that I needed to forgive the man that abused me as a child. She also said that I needed to write a letter of the details and forgive . I angrily said I can. After eternity through angry tears and rage on how HE stole my childhood and how I do not know my body. A man that I once loved and respected before all of this . I now had to forgive ? What a task. I did at the end of the letter I forgave the man. That is what I call him a stranger now . Not a family member. Years later I came across his picture I just could not look or keep his photo. I threw it away, just as my childhood was taken away. These are my feelings . Everyday is a struggle with severe depression. Years later, I have grown children and grand babies and a wonderful loving husband.
Yet everyday as I wake I pray for strength. I also keep myself busy and active. I enjoy my life . The accomplishments to overcome and who knew that all I had to do was Forgive.